How to deal with Conflicts
This article was first published in the Hindustan Times on Aug 08, 2015. All rights reserved with Hindustan Times.
At times, in our daily lives, we find ourselves facing situations beyond our control, which catch us unawares. We get scared, intimidated and feel helpless. Ideally, in such cases, we are rightly advised to consciously and calmly think and decide the next course of action, which for some, may be easier said than done. When we consciously think, we are in action-mode. It is rewarding and has a feel good factor attached to it no matter what the result.
However, if you find yourself yelling, complaining, being defensive, making excuses, getting triggered by big or small things – some of which sometimes have nothing to do with you -then you are in reaction-mode, which is miserable and frustrating. Reaction is when you just respond to an outside stimulus without thinking. People in this zone blame their actions on another’s behaviour. Healthy decisions are not made in this state and staying in this zone for too long can cause long-term damage to one’s physical health as well as one’s overall relationships.
When we are uncomfortable with what is being said, our emotions take a central role. Our defences are on red alert and we lose control. Some may argue that reactions denote passion, but passion needs to be centred on purpose, not an unexpected and unproductive stimulus. For instance, when you fall in love with someone, after the initial chemistry phase, either you accept your partner for who he or she is (action mode) or you start controlling your partner by whining and complaining (reaction mode).
Taking action is acceptance of the problem at hand and the willingness to see it through. It is a more thought-of method and is guided by less emotion and more logic and reasoning. It leads to engaging conversation, always positive and civil – we learn, we grow, we listen, we respond. We essentially act from within, ensuring integrity, attentiveness and awareness, leading to productive, honest and wholesome relationships. Not all action-oriented paths lead to success, but when we fail, our reward is our learning.
Life brings with it conflict and clarity, stress and peace, chaos and calm. The art is in how we respond to any situation. For the last couple of months, I have myself been dealing with someone with a lot of conflicts. We have different perspectives on what is needed to be done. I admit that sometimes I did end up with some reactions, but was still trying to respond calmly. However, I realised that this situation was taking away something very precious to me – my personal power. So I decided to just cut off. That was my action. I wasn’t running away, but empowering myself to get out of an unhealthy situation, that had very little reward. I spoke my truth.
There are no winners or losers in life, just life happening as it is, in the now. By having this perspective, I have not cut-off with resentment, but with a thankful release to freedom and empowerment in the person I truly am and also in the gratitude of the good times enjoyed with them. My old self would have held on, trying to prove my point and not let them ‘win’, but I don’t view life like that anymore. I have learnt over time, that the ego causes enough insecurity to drain our energy to such levels, that we are no longer in touch with our own core realities. I understand that by letting go, life will provide me with exactly what I need. Our lives will be amazing if we just listen to our true, wise and secure self. All problems of life teach us something, even the battles we lose.
So, the moral of the story is to keep away from life’s drama – and when it comes up the street, cross the road. Life will just flow, solutions will just appear and life will be beautiful.
Note: Kamalrukh Khan is a Mumbai-based Clinical Hypnotherapist and Wellness Coach. She’s intuitive, strong and positive and loves travelling. She believes travelling to a new country is the best education she can give her kids. Painting and flying a plane or chopper top her bucket-list.